Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Negative Nelly

I hate not getting home til late. I hate that its dark when I drive home and my headlights suck ass.

I miss watching kids in my home. I miss being home and doing laundry/cleaning when it needs it, having dinner in the oven at a normal time, cooking meals from scratch (not these bullshit boxed meals), I miss a lot. Don't get me wrong I love my job and I love the babies I keep.. most of all love spending the day with my mom. On the way home tonight I cried because I'm overwhelmed with bills, money (or lack of), and coming home to fix dinner, help with homework, laundry, dishes, bathes, Camo, picking up.. etc. Granted I'm a hormonal mess Thanks to being a woman and getting that lovely gift every month that should arrive any day now... Unless for some God given miracle..that  I've been blessed with a baby.. but I doubt that and have taught myself to be okay with it if every month is another fail. In all honesty I'm not sure if I want to bring an innocent child into this scary ass world. I miss the world I lived in as a child. You watch a home video of us outside playing back in the 80s and everything was peaceful, calm, slow moving. The trees were fuller. The grass was greener. The streets were quiet. I wish things were still like that. Yes there was violence (not in the home videos lol) but it was resolved with a punch to the face.. not a murder or stabbing. Now all you hear is shootings, stabbings, etc. Over what??? Pointless, petty, silly stuff. Why would anyone wanna bring a baby into this crazy ass world that gets scarier by the minute. But then again I long for a daughter.. or another son is just fine too. Just a healthy baby. If God willing I do bring an innocent child into this world I promise to protect it with my all til the day I die.. miss the whole concept of SAHM/W (Stay at Home Mom/Wife) the staying at home part. I'm still at available to both my son and husband at all times though. I've never been a working mom. Even when I work at a job away from home which was a daycare.. Kobe came with me. Some moms love being a working mom.. but not me. I love being a SAHM. I think thats what I was made for. Kobe asks me several times if he can go to BR school.. if I could find a few kiddos around her I'd be set. When I worked at Kobe's school for *Elf Store* when I told the other moms where we lived they were floored that, 1. I drive the distance to bring him in to that town and 2. that I was NOT sending him to BR. I heard "WHAAAAT?? Are you crazy?"... "If I HAD a choice BR would be IT" "BR is an EXCELLENT school"... I was such a mess last year. I only had a couple weeks to decide what school. I was pressured lol and didn't have time to weigh my pros and cons. I'll have my whole summer to weigh them. Kobe has a cousin (Jason's nephew)and a friend who go to BR so he'd know a few ppl. Plus he makes friends so easy. But I'm not gonna stress over it ... yet lol keeping my options open.. btw I LOVE my house and where I live even though the closest grocery store is 7miles away and the closest Wal*Mart is 14miles away I still love it... Idk maybe I'll go take a hot bath and relax/destress...sigh!! I'm not sure this blog has a point lol but that's why I said "ramblings from a mother of a 6yr old" lol .... p.s. that will be changing soon to "7yr old" in a few weeks :'( ok I'm heading to my huge bathtub to soak and relax...


  1. Aww :( This makes me sad on so many levels. I am sorry you are so stressed. I know things are overwhelming for you guys right now. I hope all that weight is lifted off your shoulders soon. One day at a time is all you can do. You know you can vent to me anytime. Love you!!

  2. I didn't see this blog. It makes me sad :(
    We have recently gone through the financial struggle as well. I wish I could be a SAHM/W again. I hate that my income is needed. I feel you there.
    I know things will look up soon. I will send positive vibes your way. And prayers. I love you!

  3. Thinking of you! Hope it all gets better. I hate being a working mommy but I have to also
    :( If you lived in Jasper you would so be my babysitter!