July 5th, 2012

So today about 3:16pm I got a call from the doctor's office that my labs showed a major decrease in my pregnancy hormone levels which means I miscarried :( My heart is seriously shattered.. I know there was a reason this baby didn't make it but my heart doesn't understand.. I'll admit I selfishly asked Why? Why me? How come? I know you aren't supposed to question God.. But I would still like and answer. I know I will never know the reason.. I know that there WAS indeed a reason.. I will cry.. I will be sad.. I will NOT forget this short pregnancy.. Some people may think.. a miscarriage is nothing.. but you have no idea.. The fact that I was told by those two little tiny lines that I was indeed pregnant.. after taking SEVERAL and I mean several tests that were positive.. I was already in love with my child.. then have all these people tell you about their stories giving you a slight chance of hope that maybe you are like them.. that you are just bleeding for some unknown reason.. trying not to get your hopes up even though you did..only to have that feeling ripped from you...  when the nurse who called me today was so sweet when she had to break the news to me.. she kept apologizing telling me she just knew how bad I was wanting this baby.. as soon as I heard her tone in her voice my heart sank I knew it was not good.. I held it together and Thanked her.. as I hung up the phone I told myself.. don't cry! You have to go back out in the living room and act like your okay.. So I came back out here to the living room and told Mom my levels went down.. I still didn't cry I thought I could hold it in but I couldn't.. as soon as I sent my husband that text message.. I lost it and I cried.. I've cried several other times since.. all the messages on FB are so sweet but sends the tears a'flowin.. I'm sure I'm not done crying yet.. I am now praying that I can pass all this on my own and do not have to have a D&C done.. only time and MORE blood work will tell until then I'll pray for the best.

Miscarried at 5weeks and 3days