Back to Square one..

I had blood work again on Tuesday... However it went okay.. better than before.. One stick this time but once she was in the blood only dripped in and then stopped but they got enough to test my levels. I didn't hear from the doctors office until almost 5. But my levels were down to 16 so no more blood work for me. I'm assuming that once I have my normal visit from that hag "Aunt Flo" We can start trying again..

I had to go in the spare room the other night to switch the blinds from Kobe's room with the spare room.. I walked in and there the room was set up like a nursery. We had bought a changing table off Facebook and it was in the room and on top was the boppy I had gotten free, the bib I purchased, and the pacies that Mom had purchased..Then there is the all white dresser that matches the changing table.. It made me sad.. but most of all it made me determined.. Eager to try again and get that baby I know we will be blessed with. I can't wait to try again.. although I am scared but its not stopping me one bit. I pray it will happen fast and things will be just perfect this time.. I've started taking prenatal vitamins and I was told men should take folic acid so I'm going to get J-bird some to take.. So fingers crossed and prayers flying....

..In with the new!

We are all moved and I wished we could say unpacked as well.. however I am unpacked except for the living room wall decor and our bedroom.. The kitchen and Kobe's room are completely unpacked and have things put away. Its so over whelming getting things together and making it feel like our home.. although I LOVE our house! I'm so happy with it.. I can't wait til the newness wears off and its "normal" to us all..

This is the view from our back yard! Sooo peaceful!

My wonderful Husband and cousin stayed home from the wedding this past weekend to move all the stuff.. I came home to a fully moved house and my hubby had unpacked Kobe's bedroom and the living room :) I was sooo very thankful!

My cousin TJ got married this past weekend.. His wedding was beautiful and  very personal.. I loved it! However My sister and I had to serve cake and O..M..G that was a disaster lol THANK GOD for my Aunt Donna who came to our rescue lol.. we were told to start at the bottom and work our way up LOL WROOOONG lol my Aunt runs over and quietly says your girls are gonna make the cake fall if you do that.. so she took over the cutting.. I'm sooo thankful for Aunt Donna she saved us.. the cake was melting before our eyes lol.. the icing was running and the cake was just crumbling into dust.. it was a mess but people still ate it lol we had icing EVERY where.. AGAIN sooo Thankful for my Aunt Donna who came to the rescue...

Beautiful cake...

The After math.. Bahaha sorry Lisa and TJ... it really wasn't our fault... the cake was too warm..

 But we had a good time.. We enjoyed seeing cousins that we only get to see on holidays..

Our hotel was nice.. it had an indoor pool which Kobe loved and got to get in 2 times

He is still so afraid of water.. he tried taking his floaties off but he ended up with them back on.. I know he felt silly cause he was the only "big kid" (between his cousins) that couldn't swim.. I really need to teach him or put him in swim lessons.. he tried his hardest to swim.. it broke my heart... After the wedding we headed back down to the pool at 10:30 and swam with all the cousins til they kicked us out of the pool about 11:15pm...

Still trying to decide on which school Kobe is going to go too.. I'm thinkin more towards Barr-Reeve but I don't know.. Like I told my sister-in-law.. I'm a nervous wreck. I'm a creature of habit and I don't like new things.. I'm trying to weigh all my pros and cons..

Here are some pics from this past week(end):

The Newly Weds

Kobe trying to catch the football with the garter on it..

Mom and Dad during the couples dance

Free Breakfast at the hotel.. the biscuits and gravy were good.. eggs not so much lol..

Kobe and Liv havin breakfast at the hotel and enjoying each others company

Wooohooo!

Jason and I are buying a house!!! We are so excited! Its not in Washington.. can you believe it.. I'm not going to be living in Washington anymore?? I never thought I would be saying those words. However I'm just 8 miles away from Washington lol. Not like its a huge move away. I'm still torn between what school to send Kobe.. I can have him still go here in Washington since I'll be working here or I can send him to the school he's supposed to go too.. I snapped some pics while we were there looking at the house and since its a final deal I'll post them..

Here is the front of the house ( needs some Landscaping)

As you walk in this is the living room

Off to the right of the living room is the Master Bedroom

Master Bedroom With his and her bathrooms the one you can see is my(Her) bathroom the one back at the edge of the pic is Jason's(His) bathroom

HER- My Bathroom

Then you can either go back out through the bedroom or walk through our huge walkin closet to the His Bathroom

HIS- Jason's Bathroom

Then off to the left of the living room is the kitchen WITH **drum roll please** a DISH WASHER!!! I was PUMPED!

Kitchen

 The room straight through (in between Jason and my Grandpa) is the mudroom/laundry room
Then the door way in between Grandpa and the stove is a hallway on the left is Kobe's room

Kobe's room

Then in the middle of the hall is the guest/Kobe's bathroom

Guest/Kobe's Bathroom

Then down the hall is the spare bedroom.. hopefully a Baby room one day soon..

Spare Room

 We have a big ole nice back yard with a work shop for Jason... Its a country setting so the guys (and I) are pumped! We are very excited! Now its packing time which I'm not looking fwd too.. Jason and I packed one room.. our room.. last night.. that was not fun.. lol now I need to go clean up the livingroom and get is packed before Jason gets home so it looks like I did something LOL...

Goodness Gracious

 So much for chuggin that 32oz Gatorade before I went to the doctor to get blood drawn.. It didn't help. We barely got any blood. The nurse was like "I know you have blood in you, I'm sitting here talking to you." lol I'm beginning to think I don't have blood  or veins for that matter. I was stuck 4 times this time and had to have warm compresses again which didn't help. I love the nurse that does it though.. so it doesn't make it too bad.. She's sweet and sympathetic. I feel sorry for her though. She probably cringes when she has to come get me in the waiting room.. lol! The reason I'm still getting blood work done is because they are still testing my levels to make sure my levels go down since I miscarried.. praying they do and I dont have to have a D&C..

I still have my moments. I was in Dollar General with Kobe who was spending his profit from our yardsale, and I walked by the baby section and went to grab a onesie to buy.. only to get this feeling in my heart when I quickly remembered I had no reason to buy it anymore.. then the tears flowed.. I hung out in the shoe section while I gathered my self and wiped the tears away.. I have been having awful dreams too.. I had a dream I went to the bathroom and there was TONS of blood and in the toilet was a clear sac with a dead baby in it :( hopefully I'll stop having those dreams and cry sessions soon..

Also Kobe handled it fine.. he just doesn't really get it I don't think... When I told him "Mommy doesn't have a baby in my belly anymore." he asked why? I told him God needed that baby to be with him.. he then asked if I can get a different baby in there.. I told him to ask God in his prayers if he'll put another baby in there.. he then asked.. "So can we get another cat since you aren't pregnant?" so I think he's fine :) I've learned my lesson.. I will NOT tell anyone especially Kobe that I'm pregnant until Im in the "clear" next time.. I got ahead of myself.. but I was just soooo excited.. it was something I prayed, hoped and tried to hard for ;) I never once thought "I might miscarriage" O-well You live and you learn... "Life's a dance, you learn as you go"

One pissed Momma

Kobe had a follow up appointment today with his doctor.. We tried a non-stimulant drug.. Well after 2.5 weeks of taking it he was very violent and very frustrated.. also started having a bowel movement in is pants again.. like before he was Dx with ADHD.. I told him all this.. Well after I left the doctor with Kobe I was in tears.. his doctor made me feel like I was a worthless mother that is a complete idiot.. he talked to me like I was stupid... he told me that he needs to take breaks from the meds so his brain and body can grow (I understand this) He says in a shitty, your stupid tone, "This is YOUR child and HIS health" I said I understood but what about his BMs when he isn't on the meds.. he says once again the same tone as before, "His poor potty training is not because of the ADHD" I told him the Dr. we saw before him and his psychiatrist(who Dx him with ADHD) both said it was because of his ADHD that he was having these BMs in his pants.. he says (same tone) "I am the pediatrician, I know that isn't the reason. You need to see a child gastrologist" "You don't give a child these meds because he has poor potty training habits" I said how the past Dr did tests.. and he snaps and says "I'll refer you to Indy" then says "Anything else?" I said how he had been talking really loud lately and we have to repeat things and I wondered if something was going on with his ears.. so he gets up to look in Kobe's ears. Kobe was sitting on the exam table playing his DS quietly, he looked in one ear and then in a shitty ass tone "HEY look at me, when I'm doing an exam, you don't play this" and ripped the DS out of his hands and laid it down on the table.. said his ears were fine. hands me the papers and walks out.. I don't know if he was showing off for the cute little student nurse or someone pissed in his cheerios or he hates me... I dunno but I'm pissed.. THIS coming from the man who would walk in the room ask what he took, write the Rx and leave, this coming from the man when Kobe's Rx was soo hard to get just wrote a Rx for a different meds no questions asked.. Why all the sudden play Super Doctor?? Why care now.. I am so sick of these wishy washy doctors who one says one thing and the next says the other.. Don't they get the same schooling??? I'm at a loss... I have his psychiatrist (who speacialized in ADD/ADHD children telling me one thing and now he's telling me another.. When Dr. Amy was his doc we all were on the same page.. they made me feel like I was doing the right thing in getting my son help and BOTH said Kobe wasn't the kind child who could take "breaks" because of 1. his ability to process the whole BM thing 2. for every day life concentration.. Its bothering me so much I don't know what to do.. I don't know who to listen to.. I'm considering another doctor.. why I even came back to this Dr after what all happened when Kobe was 9mos.. UUUUUGH... I just want to cry and scream.. I wish my son didn't have to go through any of this.. I've tried cuttin out reds and yellows and all that mambo jambo.. now I hear ppl say cut out whites.. Whites?? geeze louise  I'm so confused, I feel helpless, I feel WORTHLESS, I feel like Im not doing my Mommy duties...

Produce over load..

My wonderful in-laws supply us with produce during the summer.. we get an abundance of green beans, tomatoes, zucchini and bell peppers.. We really have been wanting Corn on the cob so we went to the local produce patch and got a baker's dozen of their Ace's high sweet corn and I couldn't pass up cantaloupe... sooo The other night we made fresh green beans, oven baked corn on the cob and baked zucchini chips with cantaloupe for dessert.. no meat.. which is odd for this house.. But it was a very yummy meal.. The corn was soo sweet that the cantaloupe that was very sweet (tasted several pieces as it was cut up) didn't taste as sweet after we ate the corn lol.

I had my first, very own, all by myself, yardsale.. I mean Jason helped.. but usually I have a yardsale with my sister and she does all of the prepping and setting up stuff.. we did pretty good.. Kobe even made his own $10.75.. he was excited.. It was sooo hot! Even at 6:30am it was so hot and humid.

We could possibly be moving again if things go the way they should. Kobe could possibly be going to *GULP* Barr-Reeve.. AHH! Never did I ever think those words would come out of my mouth.. We are HATCHETS lol and always will be lol. Just kidding.. it will be fine if it comes to that.. But I miiiiiight just keep him here in Washington School since I'll be coming here to keep the kiddos I babysit for..since Mom and I keep kids together we will just  keep them at her house so no one panic we'll keep your precious kiddos still, even if I move <3. But nothing is final yet.. this however will be a HUGE move for us.. huge as in.. huge like FINALLY. Finally we will get out of this trailer park.. I'm not saying I'm too good or anything like that.. but my husband is a country boy and this small space living was not for him... but if this doesn't work out then we will continue to be content until something else comes along.. We'll be moving to the big ole town of Cannelburg.. THAT my friends is the closest thing to Mayberry anyone can get lol... I'm sure we'll become regulars at Dinky's LOL.. I laugh however I'm NOT kidding lol.. we'll live right down the road from it.. My first purchase will be a goat LOL Kidding kidding.. I'm not an animal person.. any how we'll see how things go.. we sure have our fingers crossed!

July 5th, 2012

So today about 3:16pm I got a call from the doctor's office that my labs showed a major decrease in my pregnancy hormone levels which means I miscarried :( My heart is seriously shattered.. I know there was a reason this baby didn't make it but my heart doesn't understand.. I'll admit I selfishly asked Why? Why me? How come? I know you aren't supposed to question God.. But I would still like and answer. I know I will never know the reason.. I know that there WAS indeed a reason.. I will cry.. I will be sad.. I will NOT forget this short pregnancy.. Some people may think.. a miscarriage is nothing.. but you have no idea.. The fact that I was told by those two little tiny lines that I was indeed pregnant.. after taking SEVERAL and I mean several tests that were positive.. I was already in love with my child.. then have all these people tell you about their stories giving you a slight chance of hope that maybe you are like them.. that you are just bleeding for some unknown reason.. trying not to get your hopes up even though you did..only to have that feeling ripped from you...  when the nurse who called me today was so sweet when she had to break the news to me.. she kept apologizing telling me she just knew how bad I was wanting this baby.. as soon as I heard her tone in her voice my heart sank I knew it was not good.. I held it together and Thanked her.. as I hung up the phone I told myself.. don't cry! You have to go back out in the living room and act like your okay.. So I came back out here to the living room and told Mom my levels went down.. I still didn't cry I thought I could hold it in but I couldn't.. as soon as I sent my husband that text message.. I lost it and I cried.. I've cried several other times since.. all the messages on FB are so sweet but sends the tears a'flowin.. I'm sure I'm not done crying yet.. I am now praying that I can pass all this on my own and do not have to have a D&C done.. only time and MORE blood work will tell until then I'll pray for the best.

Miscarried at 5weeks and 3days

Happy Birthday America 2012!

I hate that I don't blog for so long that I have to cram everything into one blog.. But until I blog like I should I'll continue to cram :)

First off lets go back to June 21st.. however I don't want to go back because my brother was on his way to work about 5:30AM and was in an accident with a semi. Thank the good Lord that he was with him and Adam was able to walk away from the accident with out even the littlest scratch on him. He was sore for a couple days after but that was it. How often do you hear someone surviving a wreck with a semi? Not too often.. I cried for a good 2 days afterwords... the thought of "what if" always crosses your mind.

We are a VERY close family and I've always been so protective of my little brother.. and this really shook me up.. not to mention the phone call I got later that night from him.. Him calling to tell me he loved me and that he was so very lucky and was just calling to tell me that he loved me.. I bawled after that phone call.. I bawled days later.. thinking about his "i love you" phone call.. He has such a tough guy exterior but we, his family, know the real Adam. We knew how scared and shook up he was and that broke my heart too.. the thought of him being so scared and being there alone til Mom got there.. Now dangit.. I am crying AGAIN.. so on to the next subject..

Right now I'm waiting on a phone call about my #3 round of tests. They were checking my pregnancy levels again to see if they went up.. Praying they did and my little peanut is just fine.. This round of tests were awful.. which was my fault.. I had not drank enough liquid before I went.. which means my veins are NON-existent.. the nurse tried 4 times.. then went and got me a capri sun lol

So I sat and drank that.. then my sister who works there came in and wanted to try.. she didn't get it.. so then the nurse came back in and put a hot compress on my forearm and a vein popped out and she was able to get it.. YAY! So 40minutes, a Capri Sun, hot compress and 6 pokes later we had BLOOD lol.. now you all see Why I hate blood work and literally CRY when I have to do it.. which I will admit this was MY fault for not drinking like I should have.. I will NOT forget next time lol.

I made for the 2nd time home made chimichangas... click **HERE** to go to my other blog and read about it and get the recipe. They were so much better this time lol I followed the "rules" aka recipe for deep frying lol.

Summer Time = Fresh Veggies! My in laws have a big ole garden.. and they always give us some yummy produce! I love them for this! I love them anyways but this is like adding an extra cherry to your sundae lol!

For the first time we went and watched fireworks at Boggs.. they were really good and I thought it was soo cool seeing all the boats on the lake.. We enjoyed them but it took us an HOUR to get out of the park.. it was crazy!

Of course we have a 4th of July celebration every year with my family.. this year it was at our house.. it was soo HOT but my good looking hubs did the cooking.. manning the grill in 100°+ weather.. We had a good time.. Later my brother set off fireworks for the kiddos before we headed to the park to watch the big fireworks which were by FAR the BEST Washington has ever had, that I can remember. I was very pleased.. and then of course my favorite part is everyone cheering after the Grand Finale.. for some reason I love that..